When I was Younger

When I was younger, I wished I was older. Going to school like everyone else, having a lot of friends to call me on the phone, being like a busy person with a lot of homework and exam and so can set up a sign not to be disturbed, getting involved in adults' conversation especially when they said I didn't know anything.

When I was younger, I wished I had a lot of freedom. Freedom of making decisions. I wished I had the luxury to choose who and what I was to be and not controlled by those adults.

When I was younger, I wished I could go overseas. Seeing different sights of world. Traveling around the world was actually my dream. I told myself one day I would go everywhere.

When I was younger, I always studied hard, tried to achieve the good score. I was convinced by myself, triggered by I-am-not-sure-what that it's the right thing to do. My family didn't push me to do so, instead often telling me it's not so useful as I would eventually end up being a housewife. Okay, perhaps I was trying to prove they're wrong.

When I was younger, I wished I had millions of money and I wished my money wouldn't get dry. I wished I could buy whatever I wanted. My sister initiated she wanted to be a business woman. Before my more noble dream job like doctors or teachers knocked the door of my heart, there was a short period I wanted the same thing as her.

When I was younger, I adored my President and ministers governing the country. On TV, they looked so charming. Typical answer coming from little kids if they're asked who they want to be, it will be 'President'.

That's when I was still a little kid. That's when I haven't gone to school. School is temporarily fun. I used to skip classes. I hoped for Sunday.

Now I can say I have freedom, I find making decisions is not an easy thing and can be quite stressful. Instead of wishing being surrounded by adults' conversation, now lots of times I wish I can escape from it. I enjoy more talking with little much more innocent children because they can give me unexpected sweet beautiful honest words in return rather than loads of craps.

Now when I am overseas, I feel good, but not that great.

Sometimes remembering times spent on studying gives me feeling that it's somewhat at the expense of joy, laughter, and simple happiness from a little kid. While there are plenty of lessons in life worth learning, I should have spared more time going out, experienced the real world.

Now that I was no longer a kid, I find chances to my money won't get dry are almost zero.

Somehow there was still a strange feeling left when the ex-President passed away. Although now I already know politics is dirty and I've hated it so much, the years of being a President are still irreplaceable and it had created a strong bond between us that I couldn't help but feeling sorry for him. He's been part of my childhood.

Everything is beautiful at its time, though, prove me wrong, and there is a perfect time for everything. It's hard to say I regret it. Most likely I don't (or I can't). If I was given an opportunity to go back to me in the past and tell her what she had to do, perhaps it won't change a little single thing.

I can tell a lot of things to my children so they can learn from my lessons. But I don't expect them to understand and believe me. Most probably we will have different interpretations and ways on seeing certain things. Not until the self experience takes place then it can light up the bulb. Not until their perfect time arrives. And that takes chance and also courage.

I have to re-define what I want because ice cream is not a wonderful thing anymore for me. So are other things. They are not relevant.