Bye - bye

I'm migrating back to : carpediemsays.wordpress.com because I didn't get enough privacy for my entries here.

Huh?!

Hi B,
To patch the upgrading issue below, please follow these two steps :
1. Please extract out the rar attached in this email. There are two files compressed inside.
2. Please copy the two files into Easy Pay Enterprise (Sybase 10) installed program\Program\UpgradeDB\Ver9950.
For example :
If my install directory is in C:\Program Files\Easy Pay Enterprise, I have to copy the two files into : C:\Program Files\Easy Pay Enterprise\Program\UpgradeDB\Ver9950.
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Dear M,
Is this only for Malaysia payroll,
EPE v10.3.01 or it can also run for EPE v10.2.02?
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Hi B,
Yes, it's for Malaysia Payroll if they want to migrate from sybase 6 to 10.
If they already use v10.2.02 or v10.3.01, no need to apply the patch.
If they want to migrate from sybase 6 to v10.2.02 or from sybase 6 to v10.3.01, they need to apply the patch first before performing the data migration.
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Dear M,
C:\Program Files\Easy Pay Enterprise\Program\UpgradeDB\Ver9950.
This path is meant for S10.
So, assume they are using S6,
- must it be EPE v8.5.4 or any EPE version such as v8.5.0.0?
Do you mean, if they are using EPE v8.x(S6), they proceed to upgrade from s6 to s10.
Then put in the patch into
C:\Program Files\Easy Pay Enterprise\Program\UpgradeDB\Ver9950.
and goto EPE control , for EPE 10.x (S10) to run the DB patch, and that is all
For EPE v10.x, then it is no use if they put in the patch.
Correct?
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Hi B,
You only need to copy the two files to the Sybase 10 install program directory.
No need to go to EPE Control to apply the patch. The copy itself is a patch.
After you copy, you can do the migration as per normal.
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Dear M,
I presume the step is as follows :
(1) copy the folder "PatchFile" into
C:\Program Files\Easy Pay Enterprise\Program\UpgradeDB\Ver9950
(2) then goto run the data migration program.
Is it correct?
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Hi B,
Please follow the steps. Not the folder to be copied over, but the files extracted from the rar to be copied over. Then go to run data migration program.
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You mean copy key.dat and Entity.sql into
C:\Program Files\Easy Pay Enterprise\Program\UpgradeDB\Ver9950
without the folder?
Then run data migration program.
---------
Yes

1. It’s when simplicity becomes so complicated. It reminded me of my beautiful cousin who couldn’t stand if we wear something so out of fashion, or my sister who couldn’t stand if we cooked something too worse and thus destroyed the art of culinary. The accident miraculously resembled them in a way I couldn’t stand a thing I know very well made wrong and I assume it’s too easy to question and question when the things have been elaborated so precisely - though actually the level of understanding and the way of seeing things between us in the first place have been different.

2. It’s a lie if I say I don’t get irritated. If I were to talk to someone else I know better, I would have scolded him/her. Why?
And what excuse was there for this? Nothing but the old line that parents and politicians will use before taking out their scalpels : I care about you, therefore I will upset you, I have honoured you with a vision of how you should be, therefore I will hurt you.
My mother used to use that lines. Me as well. Perhaps it's after all a selfish expectation though given in a respected reason to change that person into the ideal of person in your own visualization.

3. I’ve got to thank the consciousness inside me. The Buddha said, “Anger is not supposed to be suppressed but taken care.” Things really looked differently when you see them from another direction. I came to understand where the patience of my boss coming from. It's shaped by years of experience of individual's characters and his socialism that by being angry and losing coolness only temporarily satisfy our own feeling with the relief of emotions but after that moment gone there is no goodness brought in the end, merely disaster, and how persistence of trying-to-understand wins over unnecessary harsh/impatient words.

4. One of the best comments I overheard few weeks ago is, "If I can forgive and let go and be so tolerant with people whom I don't really get close to, why shouldn't I do the same to my loved ones?" Yes, who said that a subjective judgement is wrong? It sounds so logical that by all means we should be more tolerant to our loved people that I have been trying ever since to make it into practice. It's indeed more difficult to deal with people you love more than your colleagues as what they do impact more on you -- but I believe it's worth all the efforts.

Time indeed buried the anger slowly. Now that I re-look into the irritating email, I feel nothing but a joke. I'm glad I didn't respond the way I shouldn't.

Marxism

There is the old joke made by the Marx who laughed about not deigning to belong to a club that would accept someone like him as a member, a truth as appropriate in love as it is in club membership. We laugh at the Marxist position because of its absurd contradictions : How is it possible that I should both wish to join a club, and yet lose that wish as soon as it comes true? How was it that I might have wished Chloe to love me, but have been irritated by her when she did so?

Perhaps because the origins of a certain kind of love lie in an impulse to escape ourselves and our weaknesses by an alliance with the beautiful and noble. But if the loved ones love us back, we are forced to return to ourselves, and are hence reminded of the things that had driven us into love in the first place. Perhaps it was not love we wanted after all, perhaps it was simply someone in whom to believe, but how can we continue to believe in the beloved now that they believe in us?

-- Essays in Love by Alain De Botton

Homey

Home is now finally felt a little homey. I hadn't had spent the entire day at home since the first day of moving in.

Today ... I was totally at home...

My pardon, the second pic was taken at the night because I forgot to take it in the afternoon. So you see, if I turned my head to the right ...

The blue blue sky is always awaiting for me. It was just so awesome that I got obsessed. It gave such a wonderful feeling. Give you more since I took many :p ...

Perhaps it's already the best thing about the house I can tell. The scenery! Below is the night mode ...

And my doraemon has moved place as well ...


While the other two members are still sleeping with me ...

I cleaned and re-organized the room, tidied up some stuffs, took a short but well-deserved nap (after neglected for a while), and the rest of the day is I read and read and read my book. With all the things I did today, how could I not feel at home, eh?!

Before I end up the homey story, this is another part of the house I love ...

Though, I still don't get why there is a dictionary placed there.

Moving Out and In

1. Moving-out madness had taken over my two most recent beautiful weekends.
2. My bed has taken over my tight sleep for almost a week.
3. I'm sleepy and the dark circle under my eyes grow bigger.
4. I don't have enough concentration during work this week and I'm not productive because I'm so sleepy!
5. Few times I'd thought it's all over after we moved in. Then I remember I haven't got my mattress, study table, and TV into my room and I haven't neither changed the dim light.

My little sister's favourite line would be, "Have not met the target!". Mine, "It's still a long way to go." Both do not make me feel better.

A Lot of My Primary School Friends already Married

These few days I've added and been added by my old friends in facebook. I mean friends from primary school.

I was familiar with some names but I didn't remember the face anymore. There are some others I've totally forgotten.

After I do some stalking (for good) for get-to-know-my friends-better mission, I got a social tendency of living which I furthermore enhanced myself with current social lives I'm living :

1. A lot of my friends that live in my hometown, as in not study outside the town, have got married. I was quite surprised to learn they even have given births to lovely kids. They tend to settle down so early.

2. They, the adventurous, in vice versa, do not tend to settle down. They see the marriage age is still years to come. Number 1's people take it differently and say the suitable age for a woman to get married is under 25. There are of course a lot of factors that make this difference.

3. All parents like their children to get married as soon as possible. It's kind of release to see all of the children have grown up, built up their own families, and lived well. They see it as their milestone and regard is as the completed task as parents.

4. All parents like to have a son-in-law who is a business man - thus working on his own and not on others. Perhaps that's due to the point of view that a business man will be more successful than those who are not, hence can bring their daughters a brighter happier married life.

The factors I can find for the difference in number 2 :

1. Some have the principal they have to see and achieve their dreams and goals that are hard to be fulfilled as a married person. So before they are engaged and devoted to a marriage, they don't mind to spend time for that and delay the marriage.

2. Although it's not completely applied to all people, but admit it, those who have seen more things, experienced varieties of lives tend to see marriage not as the sole characteristic to define a complete woman. Because of that also, they seem to keep looking for what they really want and need before they settle down.

Those who have settled down earlier are not necessarily happier than those who keep searching.Those who still keep searching probably later on going back to the start point where the first type stand on - their mistake is, they do not realize it's already the best thing and instead keep looking around.

My Bed

I miss my bed I hated at the very first time although it's almost as firm as oldish Chinese movies' beds. And I grumbled. Surprisingly after I passed the first night, it's remarkably comfortable. I've loved it since then.

I never really had a hard time with bed, actually, and did not have many complaints with sleeping on the floor with poor thickness of mattress. Give me enough space, a blanket, and I will be doing good.

It's in the era before this current loan bed came that sinks me down every night, as if hugged me in the weirdest way, added up more heat to the body. Before I fixed the setting of the air con, it functioned only like a fan. At 4 o'clock in the morning I couldn't stand it so I took out the manual book and tried to set the air con till I felt satisfied then continued to sleep.

Beds are extremely important and the importance become more important when you've endured sleepless night. Life is miserable without a proper foundation to sleep. It affects the activities during the day.

The bed is far from satisfaction standard I'm expecting. I searched for solutions the other morning and they only made me more desperate.

"You can always make the mattress softer if it's too firm. But you cannot make it firmer if it's too soft." or "There is nothing much can be done to pillow top mattress. It's purposely designed for people who love extra soft mattress." or "I suggest you to exchange it soon, if possible." I learned later on there is no way to exchange items if it's because of body impression reason. Out of 100 reviews, I only read several people who adore this type of mattress. The rest say the bad things that come out as a result of sleeping on it after a few months - restless and back problems.

It's what I called emergency. It left me not many choices but to immediately call the shop. I was so overwhelmed with joy when he told me my bed is supposed to be the firm type and the loan bed is different with the one I am supposed to get, which means my suffering is only temporary - TEMPORARY - that I forgot to ask him when I could receive my beloved awaited firm bed.

Today, I checked again with the shop and he told me, the earliest delivery date is on first week of October. It took one hell month to get the bed?!

There are two weeks more I've to be accompanied by the bed. I had the imagination of how wonderful living in the blue sky, sleeping on the cloud, like Nobita. Apparently, the mattress claimed to be soft - matched by people with cloud - is really really not a wonderful experience.

I hope my next-month bed will at least meet my expectation :(.

This song described my feeling :

When a Thing Becomes Possession

I started to feel it more as a bitter truth than a beautiful ending to acknowledge the fact I finally see office as my second home after years of struggling to make it so, but soon I've to leave for what-I-claim-to-be a better tomorrow. I won't be able to enjoy the lovely home in a longer time. I dearly love all of my colleagues and surely I will miss each of them. They are good at heart, funny, sometimes innocent but also very highly responsible people. The chance of knowing and having worked with them is a great thing.

But on the other hand, it is the challenge, isn't it? You come to totally a strange place. You have a walk, adjust, learn, improve, and after some time you see the first place you got to is not the same place anymore. It's not a strange place, but YOUR place - and you are hard to let go. It makes a difference when a thing becomes possession. It's good and at the same time it's not good -- that comfort zone - it can lift you up, it can fall you down.

I still remember the last scene in All About Eve which I found it really true, "Everyone is supposed to do what he thinks he has to do....." It's when he asked his girlfriend not to go overseas (and stay by his side) although he knows it will be good for her career. He'd hesitated to ask for he thought it might be a selfish request. After all, it's the girl's choice. Everyone is supposed to do what he thinks he has to do and he did it anyway. And it's a happy ending story and still the best drama I've ever watched.

Weekends and holidays do not mean as much as they did for me now but only for resting because I've had enough good days in weekdays. Getting up early is not as difficult as it was because not bad things are awaiting, instead the good ones. A week is not felt long and freedom to do what I want to do in the office has been found. But I have to let go everything now. I keep reminding myself that whatever it takes, everything that is supposed to be done, I will make it done.

Me Twelve to Thirteen Years Ago

10. It must have been taken in a happy occasion (a friend's birthday I guess) as we're all wearing bright colorful dresses. By contrast, it's only our gloomy looks caught in the camera. World was so different when narcissism did not even exist.
9. Last memory I had about my nose was, I had a non sharp-edged nose on my early age. My tears could flow from one side to the other side of my eyes. However looking into this picture, apparently I've gotten it fixed before the pic was taken.
8. The thing I recall correctly about my childhood proved to be my hair. We all siblings had similar type of hair : square one and the length after cut was always 1 cm or more above the ear. That's why, I haven't been really sad about my hair cut since then because I have gone through worst hair days for years.
7. I don't remember I had the dress I was wearing!
6. Why was I hiding my hands?
5. It seemed I was unhealthy and needed a lot more nutrition.
4. I didn't know the girl on the right wearing black-red. My friend gave me a shocking answer.
3. A thank-you is not enough to thank the long-forgotten friend who posted this picture. He left for Jakarta twelve years ago and I didn't hear any news and have any contacts with him. I just added his Facebook. His face is not much different with the last time I saw him.
2. Suddenly I realize I don't have a lot of childhood memories. I had a number of diaries but have no idea where they are. Camera at the time has been invented but not widely used except for some special events. Relying on my brain memory is quite impossible. It just faded away a little bit more day by day.
1. I think all of us have to meet up again but I haven't thought of any good solutions for my intention, with the fact we're in different islands and countries and with the lack of strong determination of some people to do the catch-up things. It needs two hands to clap.

Quarter-Life Crisis

I found out I am suffering from more than 10 characteristics of quarter-life crisis out of 18. Without any research done on it, I conclude those who are facing it now perhaps are also seeking for peacefulness, craving for getting out from all uninvited thoughts of future, flying far away with all mighty freedom.

Youth Olympic Games

Perhaps one thing I will regret the most in the very end of the year is, I didn't go all the way for Youth Olympic Games. It's not easy to have the chance that thing just came to you and you don't need to purposely go there. I'm not sure in the future I'll make it to watch an Olympic game. But anyway, it's okay. If it's really the most regrettable thing in a year already, it means this year is not that bad ^_^. I hope!

My Best Friend

In one random day, we just finished our lunch and were standing in front of the lift. At that time, my colleague suddenly remembered something. She then showed me her facebook wall on her cellphone. "Read this!" She smiled happily as if it were a very wonderful thing. It's her friend wrote that she missed her because she saw a little girl on the street that resembles my this colleague."Very cute, eh? This friend is my very very bes tfriend. Do you have a best friend?"

I don't think I have. Though, I answered her "I have a lot of good friends."

"That one is good friends. Not best friends."

"How do you define?"

"Well, you will just know when you have."

I'm convinced. No. Actually I already know that.

I have a quick thought I didn't have and would be happy if she said "Yah. That good friends are your best friends." I would be very happy if she actually treated good friends and misunderstand good friends as best friends.

But really deep inside my heart, I know I don't have one. I was just still too proud to admit. If I couldn't yet experience "He's the one" concept upon confirming our life partner and I am doubtful I would have the chance and/or perhaps I've agreed something like that won't happen to everybody, but on this idea on realizing our best friend, out of question I agree. We'll just know when he/she is our best friend. As simple as that. It's the sense.

So in one night, I texted my another friend and asked her the same question thrown to me to figure out whether I'm the only person in the world at this age that does not have what-so-called-a-bestfriend.

She answered me, "Did you just send me a wrong message?"

Which is no. Later on, she replied me, "No, I don't have neither. But it's okay, isn't it?"

There are 101 reasons I can mention out why I think I think normally a person should have at least a best friend, of course based on my standard, but lesser reasons why I don't even have one.

She texted me one more time, "Actually your boyfriend is your best friend." Continued on, "That's why people say when you break up, you are not only losing your lover, instead, the heaviest part is, you are losing your best friend as well."

I had exactly the same point of view, but it's in the past. I used to think my boyfriend should be also my best friend. It'd been a common behavior I guess. Two persons are courting with the history, they were best friends to each other. That was time I hadn't seen the meeting and the parting. When the parting takes place, in order to let life moves on, boyfriend is no longer a best friend. He can be still a good one, but he shouldn't be a close one. With this limitation, somehow my definition of the best friend itself has been ruined.

My best friend will know when I'm needing him/her. My best friend will be there for me at the highest and lowest point of my life. My best friend will stand by me no matter what. I don't really treat a best friend as a best friend if the relationship is actually based on love between a man and a woman. A best friend will also love you, but it's a different kind of love, surpassing a lot of other things. You can always argue with him/her, mess up the things together, quarreling over years for goodness, but each knows they will get back together, with stronger love, love between friends.

If he/she, my best friend, would ever exist, I'm wanting so much to know how he/she looks like. If the chance ever comes... But for the time being, the closest figure I can get is only myself and no any other choices but I have to live with it.

Hmmmmmmm

I have three draft entries. A few times I've tried to finish at least one. After switching one and another, I realize I'm losing my ability to write. It's not easy anymore to get something I enjoy doing for long-term. So I really hope this only happens temporary.

Some Updates of the Third Week of August 2010

I'm not sure what is the thing that makes me happy the most on this Friday (it's not the combo Friday + pay day!): the fact that it's Friday after previous tiring days? Irritating bug in my program eventually fixed all of sudden? Room viewing is over and I don't need to bother to tidy up my room everyday or get busy replying message from prospective tenants? Finally finish the essay and complete my application? Lots of movies wait for me on weekends? Whatever. I'm feeling very light now :D and that's the only thing that counts and reasons are not essential, right?! I'm too lazy to even edit the way I type all of these in more proper manner. Three weeks dealing with essay is more than enough.

I met at least six people viewing my current room, got called by at least seventeen people either asking about the room, trying to make an appointment. It's ten days ago I started to make an advertisement and after a lot of texts and calls and meet-ups back and forth, the one who takes up the room is the first person who comes to view. Sometimes I'd rather call it 'fate'. Two of them confirmed want to take if I can move out earlier. Another case, this first person and another person confirmed on the same day but the landlord picked the first. After this, it's not called 'luck'?

Anyway, there is a person that came to view and she quite impressed me. She's a scientist. But it's not really because of her job I'm impressed, but she showed totally the opposite from what I expect from a scientist. She took few seconds and seemed so hard to answer my simple questions : 'If your current place is near to the workplace, why do you intend to stay here?', 'Do research on what?', 'How do you come here? Bus or MRT?' Only two reasons from this behavior I can conclude, 90% of her mind is still busy occupied by her so-called-research or she really can think of few further steps before me to anticipate my future question from her answer. Ah, cannot find other logical reasons.

News from workplace. Within 3 months, there are 5 people leaving, which is almost 12% of population. It's awful. Three of them are from same department. This fact can actually show the leadership of the manager. Another one is receptionist and I'm hearing some gossip flying over that the company is not hiring for new one. Can you imagine a company without a receptionist? Three people are appointed to cover receptionist's duties (of course not me lah). Back to the lacking resource department. I cannot understand the basis of why company do not move to find the substitutes for them. I know it's not yet peak season till February to March, but time. They all need to be trained up and it doesn't take short time, rather than losing 40% number of customer calls unanswered. It'll be a great loss later. Tell me, isn't it a basic thing to do?

I just finished up watching Kamikaze Girls. It's quite similar with the story in the book. But I still think the movie is better, funnier and more lively. Pardon me for being random tonight. I'm watching The Apprentice currently and I don't really like Donald Trump's attitude. Especially his hair. Yet, I enjoy the show. And with this eyes going to close very soon, I bid you a good night!

Two Sides of a Coin

Jealousy is good. Jealousy is healthy. Digging at it now leads me to find more good things of self and instead build up confidence.

So are worries and doubts, they may prevent bad things from happening, a never-ending reminder to anticipate.

I look at them from a positive point of view.

I am happy. Really really happy. Eventually my brain functions as what it's supposed to.

My Neck

All the while my head made a 30 degrees up towards monitor as of there's a small inclination. More than two years has passed by, the neck became stiff. Today I lifted up my seat a little bit and my head now is 30 degrees down facing the screen. It's not even one day till I can get the result, but my back is already screaming. It's hard not to bend down with that position and I'm afraid my spine won't be as firm as it is by taking this position too long. Setting up a straight horizontal line between the two does not solve the issue either.

At this very time all I think of :

1. How good it is to work from home. Every time neck feels so weary, I can lay down for few minutes before I continue on my work.

2. The massage in Bangkok that only cost me around 8SGD/hour with effect lasts for hours.

3. Yoga neck exercise. It's actually very easy and effective but not that convenient to do in the office as people may stare at me while on the other hand, with lots of pleasure things queueing up in the line, it's so difficult to commit at home.

When I was Younger

When I was younger, I wished I was older. Going to school like everyone else, having a lot of friends to call me on the phone, being like a busy person with a lot of homework and exam and so can set up a sign not to be disturbed, getting involved in adults' conversation especially when they said I didn't know anything.

When I was younger, I wished I had a lot of freedom. Freedom of making decisions. I wished I had the luxury to choose who and what I was to be and not controlled by those adults.

When I was younger, I wished I could go overseas. Seeing different sights of world. Traveling around the world was actually my dream. I told myself one day I would go everywhere.

When I was younger, I always studied hard, tried to achieve the good score. I was convinced by myself, triggered by I-am-not-sure-what that it's the right thing to do. My family didn't push me to do so, instead often telling me it's not so useful as I would eventually end up being a housewife. Okay, perhaps I was trying to prove they're wrong.

When I was younger, I wished I had millions of money and I wished my money wouldn't get dry. I wished I could buy whatever I wanted. My sister initiated she wanted to be a business woman. Before my more noble dream job like doctors or teachers knocked the door of my heart, there was a short period I wanted the same thing as her.

When I was younger, I adored my President and ministers governing the country. On TV, they looked so charming. Typical answer coming from little kids if they're asked who they want to be, it will be 'President'.

That's when I was still a little kid. That's when I haven't gone to school. School is temporarily fun. I used to skip classes. I hoped for Sunday.

Now I can say I have freedom, I find making decisions is not an easy thing and can be quite stressful. Instead of wishing being surrounded by adults' conversation, now lots of times I wish I can escape from it. I enjoy more talking with little much more innocent children because they can give me unexpected sweet beautiful honest words in return rather than loads of craps.

Now when I am overseas, I feel good, but not that great.

Sometimes remembering times spent on studying gives me feeling that it's somewhat at the expense of joy, laughter, and simple happiness from a little kid. While there are plenty of lessons in life worth learning, I should have spared more time going out, experienced the real world.

Now that I was no longer a kid, I find chances to my money won't get dry are almost zero.

Somehow there was still a strange feeling left when the ex-President passed away. Although now I already know politics is dirty and I've hated it so much, the years of being a President are still irreplaceable and it had created a strong bond between us that I couldn't help but feeling sorry for him. He's been part of my childhood.

Everything is beautiful at its time, though, prove me wrong, and there is a perfect time for everything. It's hard to say I regret it. Most likely I don't (or I can't). If I was given an opportunity to go back to me in the past and tell her what she had to do, perhaps it won't change a little single thing.

I can tell a lot of things to my children so they can learn from my lessons. But I don't expect them to understand and believe me. Most probably we will have different interpretations and ways on seeing certain things. Not until the self experience takes place then it can light up the bulb. Not until their perfect time arrives. And that takes chance and also courage.

I have to re-define what I want because ice cream is not a wonderful thing anymore for me. So are other things. They are not relevant.

Poems Found in Toilet

Excellent poems by not so famous poets.....
Found on toilet doors and walls...

A budding poet trying his best...
Here I lie in stinky vapour,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger .

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...
Here I sit
Broken hearted.
Tried to shit
But, only farted .

Someone who had a different experience wrote:
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think .

There are also people who come in for a different purpose...
Some come here to sit and think.
Some come here to shit and stink.
But, I come
Here to scratch my balls ,
And read the bullshit on the walls.....

Toilet's walls also double as job advertisement space.... (written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,
The Fire Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertisement.
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please

On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance..

And finally, this should teach some a lesson... Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.

Worse than Showing Off

As much as I disgust those who like to show off, apparently what annoys me more is people who enjoy public sympathy. The first may be too hungry for love, respect, admiration and so featuring their best all out, to some extent I can visualize the point. The second appear to me as something I really don't get. What is so great for being pitied by your own misfortune and weakness? And the worst, some people do it purposely, keep focusing on their bad luck upon talking to others, and seem to enjoy it so much. It's hard to be interpreted as sharing because I know it's not. I hope he, my one-month friend, can finally wake up.

Farewells

Two farewells this week. Those who can accept it won't bother so much and see it just like an everyday's food while those who can't completely accept will often become cynical about it.

I know I'm the latter. It could be parting with loved ones because of death, or breaking up, or being left because they choose better options to their lives (switching jobs, moving to different cities, ..).

I know it has something to do with my ability to let go things easily. Am hoping I'm not this kind of person ... because true love means wishing them happiest life they can achieve, with no boundaries, even when it means they have to exclude you from their lives.

I have to be a good person.

Paths

The paths we're choosing in life, in my opinion, are much the same as navigating in a jungle. We're equipped with a compass, a map, and self-intuition. The compass is what other people may suggest what direction we should take, while the map is our plans and strategies, but after all self-intuition is the one that really counts - our gut, consideration, our sense to choose how and what paths to take to reach the destination.

Since sanity is not statistical, majority is not always right. Most of us perhaps are still in the opposite path on believing earth is not round and it doesn't revolve around the sun if not because of Aristotle and friends. Many people laughed at Thomas Alva Edison when he kept questioning things, yet, a child that was once believed dull introduced us to electric light. Those who had been skeptical to the intelligence of Einstein never really expected how much actually he has contributed to our lives nowadays. Compass can be spoilt or lost also.

With some touch to nature surroundings, it can either weaken or strengthen the will to make itu out. The more steps we make sometimes does not get us closer to where we're going to, then find ourselves still stumbling around the jungle - after all the fall ups and downs. But having a good laugh at it, counting how many times we've risen up one more time, and never losing hope, instead of following people to their destinations, we know we're still making our own, so it's okay. With all the guts, we keep going.

Perhaps, recently I can say I've gottan my compass though I don't know whether it's still working or not. Some say yes, some say no. Somewhat, I know I've three options : turn left, turn right, or go straight? Turning back after execution making will be time consuming and for every decision I make there will be some gains and loss - hence all need to be weighed wisely.

In confusing time, my friend told me in the best loveliest way : "Life is an option, general!"

It somehow has lighten me up, and hides up my fear of making mistakes. Because? Because a general should be brave!

How Will I React?

Yesterday I just saw a video about a thief managed to steal two cellphones and one wallet from a boarding house around my college area. I'd rather lose money than get myself hurt in anticipation to attacks from the thief provided he gets caught stealing. So I think the victim is still lucky after all.

The worse case of course can happen. Imagining the scenario is : I come from the toilet and head to my bedroom, open the door and see a stranger is inside, he turned his head and eyes staring at me, within milliseconds I know he's a bad guy. Then?

(Considering I'm not fainted yet on the spot) I will probably :

1. Running away as fast as I can and scream as loud as my frequency of voice is able to reach.
I think this is the highest possibility of action I will take unconsciously. Both attacks and defense are performed. It can wake people up and get ready to corner the thief and at the same time relying on my running speed, hopefully I can escape from danger.

2. Get inside the nearest room I can find and lock it. Be it my friend's room (lower chance, as many of them lock the door and it takes time to knock and wait for response - also it will risk another creature's safety), bathroom - toilet (agree more). Still, trapped myself inside a room only shows defense that can easily be torn down. Let's say he's a big guy, he can break in the door using 70% of his body's power. He may hold a knife (which I'll never know because I won't get near him and/try to know whether he has that knife or not) and pierce the door like those killers in the scary movies and all I can do is crying and screaming like hell inside the toilet.

3, Be cooperative with him and make him understand that I actually understand him. Saying "please take everything you need, and leave slowly, but don't hurt me" calmly may help. Reverse psychology, he won't buy it, instead he will run away in a wink. Lucky if he doesn't hurt anyone.

4. Lock him inside my room. I was actually surprised of this idea that came from my friend. But it sounds logical. If the room is big enough and the thief is far away from the door while the key is still in the key hole, it'd be much faster to just get the key and lock him inside. There will be enough time to be ready for counterattack : calling for help, policemen, or perhaps provide more and sharper knifes.

Sometimes in a very difficult situation, someone can be totally changed to a different person. Logic somehow can be deceived. There are a lot of things that can occur during seconds, minutes. If you ever give yourself time to think of what to do and try to be a smart logician, I believe you can suffer and lose much more than those who just follow the instincts, sense the danger and just escape. I hope I will have them and not to react the otherwise though I wish I won't encounter such cases.

My Bags

Not only people that can come and go into your life. Bags do as well.

They have come from different sources. The black ones on the left and on the right I stole from my shop in Merauke, on the top is brown bag I bought from Jakarta (which had accompanied me at least 2yrs during college - even first periods of working), the orange and the brown below it are from same brand 'Mel' (which I believed it's one my favourite brands of bags) yet bought them at different time and places and they're both torn already on the back which then I realized the quality of 'Mel' actually is not really good, while the smallest brown one on the right side I have never used before - I got it from another freecycler that donated three bags of his wife's to me some time back but I found it's too small to even put my wallet inside.

As I know I'm not likely to use them anymore, I'm going to donate it to Salvation Army. It's never easy to let go things I once loved but guess there's at least little happiness knowing it can be re-used better by other parties.

Bags are still growing though...

... from Singapore, Vietnam, Thailand, Indonesia, and other places which I'm not really sure because again, two of them I got from the freecyclers I mentioned above.

Many is never many and much is not that much when you love something. I've known I love bags ever and after.

If You Start to Feel Old

... try to pick up always cute things, especially around places radiating depressed elements.

Wake Up Late but ...

Today I break the record for latest waking up and shortest getting-myself-ready time during the period of 2 years and 3 months of working.

I finally woke up at 7.55 after I turned off my alarm at 7.25 and continued on sleeping. I was too panicky so there was no drama mama, 'feeling not well', 'oh.. I still want to sleep few more minutes', or.. whatever! I didn't spare any time to think of anything, instead, I rushed out to the kitchen for my quick breakfast after accidentally uttering some necessary 'shi*ty' words. Picking up any random clothes and went for a bath, I got myself ready to go out at 8.10. Lift was bit slow (indeed so slow in the tight time) and took some precious minutes of mine, half running to the bus stop, I saw the bus coming just exactly when I arrived there. To cut the story short, everything went smooth afterwards. It's not crowded in the bus unlike other usual mornings and not many people alighted at the bus stops. The traffic light was quite friendly as well as it turned into green when I was about to cross the road so I didn't need to wait for any longer.

Walking so fast to my desk, I turned on the pc and looked at the time, it's only 8.35! I've beaten up myself that wakes up at 7.25 but arrives office 15-20 minutes late. *so proud*

Sun Salutation

I can now completely accept the reason I got my leg sprained. I was actually aiming for all of these highly respected benefits. (:p)

Faith

I learnt how people usually use 'faith' when they don't give any reasons for their beliefs. That's why it's called 'faith'. It doesn't rest on logical proofs. If you insist on finding one, it's no longer called 'faith'.

I wish I had one.

I can't believe in the theory of God that doesn't make any sense. I can't believe that light and darkness existed before sun and moon. I don't believe in the compassion of Buddha if there is full of hatred, revenge from the words and teachings nor do I believe in the good of a religion that teaches us to love one another but at the same time does not mind to kill a lot of people and uses 'sacrifice for greater things' as an excuse.

There could be misinterpretation after hundreds thousands of years and somehow has made a great loss in the sense of originality. But with all questions unanswered, 'faith' came out. They say there are a lot of things we don't know because it's beyond our knowledge and we are small creatures who are not supposed to question the greatness of God. It's all because people have 'faith'.

While there is a saying 'when there is much love between two persons, it should work, right?!', can you say there's a lot of love seeing everyday's of their quarrels or fights? Can you say you have faith on a person that he is your mr. right if keeps doing the wrong things? Can you have faith that he is lovely if you see lots of unloving kind of attitude?

People might stand on convenience though, hold back because it's already comfortable, a wide access to society, and/or too ignorant to change.

When people say you have to understand your partner, there are several times you can say what you don't like. But there will be times when you realize it can't be fulfilled. That's where you try to accept him as who he is instead of who you can turn him into. Take it or leave it.

If the definition of 'faith' remains still, I think I'll never have it.

Silk Air

Silk Air absolutely has the smartest user interface in its website compared with all other air flights I've ever seen so far as it had made me dumb within seconds. The booking facility allows user to stay at the same page while browsing through the availability of different departure and arrival dates as well as the fares in one look. From technical point of view, they must have applied partial post back (for instance : ajax) so that the user won't see part of the page is actually refreshed. I have seen a lot of websites using the same technology. Yet, this is the first time I was so amazed that it comes from an airflight website with the fact lots of its friends had given me hard time to go back and forth different page only to get one fulfilling your satisfaction. You don't need to open so many pages only to compare prices on different dates or allocate some memory in your brain trying to memorize numbers - figures you've just seen. Silk Air saves up a lot of time indeed and reduces our effort and frustation and with this approach, it shows to the world that online booking is so much fun and fast. I really envy!

My Childhood Best Buddy

Provided you have a big family like me, usually you will have a childhood buddy who's also considered your close relative under same generation whose age not different much with yours. Because of that, parents are really happy to make the two children go to the same school, the best if they can end up being in the same class. Parents say, 'can look after one another'.

So I have one cousin. He's actually five months younger than me. I had a love-hate relationship with him long long time ago.

Since Primary School till Senior High School we'd gone to the same school. His mother used to ask me how he was doing at school, or whether we got homework or exams or not on the next days. There were periods I felt like a babysitter to someone whose body twice than me. Somehow, his mother didn't really trust him for he's actually rather naughty and lazy. Very often also, he made me waited for him after classes ended in a car for more than half an hour in hunger while he was playing with his friends. I wished I didn't have such a responsibility. It was hard to accept that I was asked the same questions over and over even when I thought we'd grown up and could take care of our ownselves well enough. There was such kind of happiness when I knew we're finally apart. We went to different colleges.

Looking at another point, he and I had shared a lot of things. We played games, from the most ancient (hide and seek, dragon ball's cards, rubber jump, etc etc) to modern ones (computer games, badminton - he one time accidentally smashed me on my head till I cried and did not want to speak with him for days, table tennis, etc etc). We had common friends. My friends are his and his friends are mine. We're like one. Whenever I went to a birthday party without him, I'll be asked, 'Where is he?' or on the pre-exams periods, we all used to stay at school till evening and my driver brought us the same lunch box set meal, gave it to the school's security guard and he would immediately know it was meant to both of us.

I guess I just miss him. I dreamt about us last night. In the dream, we're rushing to an exam place. However I was late to get in to the car because I took a too long bath. Furthermore, I hadn't studied at all and I didn't have a confidence for the test. On the way, I suggested that we both pretended to get sick and to attend another test scheduled another time for those who are not able to make it. With that I will have enough time to prepare myself. However my dream was kinda mixed with my current place, Singapore. All I thought was going to what doctor, Redhill branch? Tiong Bahru branch? Bugis? And many more.. and I don't remember anymore where we're situated actually.

It's been ages and I feel kinda old every time I remember those moments. Perhaps along with the maturity itself, I now look at it as one of the best things ever happened in my life. Funny but it's so true. My younger sister had one as well and I once pitied him that she could end up like me. In fact her best buddy turns out to be the loveliest cousin I ever had.

A Strong Weakness

Blogspot does not have a feature to allow private entries.

In My Very Next Life

I wish I could be a doctor to help other people to cure their uneasiness towards illnesses, reducing their sufferings, and bringing back smiles and joy to their lives.

Second option. I wish I'd be born with some music or art talents : singing, composing song, playing music instrumental, painting, designing. I wish I could do all my jobs with so much passion that I can forget to eat.

Third option. Teacher. A good and inspiring teacher. I wish I could teach kids, teenagers a lot of things, not only lessons in school but how to become a man.

Those are some dreams for my next life lol. All I can do now is doing lots of good good things so that my karma is much enough to be born as a human first. And I do hope to be a Buddhist again.

Re-Instrospect

3D2N trip was over. It's actually short but felt so long.

If I was usually wondering why I got sick, why my leg could be suddenly swollen in a night or the gum that all the while was okay caused me such a great pain, looking at this sickness, I'm aware the blame should be put all on my own shoulder. I'd thought that I could handle my own schedule. In fact my body couldn't take it. I was hoping that I could make the max to the short days trip by booking earliest - latest flight going and back respectively which then I found that belief is truly truly wrong.

Experience is indeed the best teacher of all but you don't need to experience it first in order to learn. Learn from mine...

Mistake number one : Wrong choices of flight's schedule.

July 2, 2010 : Mandala Airlines SG - Jkt (06.30 - 07.05 AM)

Mandala Airlines Jkt - Semarang (09.40 - 10.30 AM)

July 4, 2010 : Lion Air Semarang - Jkt (08.15 - 09.15 AM)

Jetstar Jakarta - SG (21.40 - 00.25 AM)

So on the first day I woke up at 4 AM, prepared myself, and got on taxi at 4.30 AM. Not only I didn't have enough sleep, neither did I have a proper breakfast filling up my tummy in the cold morning. The third day was not much different as I actually woke up at 5.45 but slept much later than the first. Then........... see the Jetstar schedule. I took the latest flight and arrived in the midnight (but that, was not yet the issue..discussed later.).

Mistake number two : Coming alone, being the first to arrive, but not fully prepared.

I came and stayed in a friend's house without bringing my own basic necessities, such as shampoo, soap, and etc etc, living on my own assumption for sure every house will have all of them. But the story is, the house we're staying is the not one my friend's staying. It's been long time left. I managed to buy everything but forgot the most important thing, A BLANKET! You're certainly are not able to bring everything but things you think are important have to be there. If you are not sure, ask! For my case, well, I should have asked her before. I didn't sleep well in two days because it's too cold (I think I only slept 3 hours). There are some problems with the aircon. We couldn't turn it off as well as once we did so, it's high chance we couldn't turn it on again.

Mistake number three : Remember to bring vitamin c in anticipation to over-tiredness but forget to take it on the day.

In short, I brought it for nothing but only for display and adding some grams to my luggage (while actually my flight only allowed me to bring up to 7kgs.).

Mistake number four : Believe in Panadol to cure your fever.

Although I'd been feeling unwell since the previous day, my fever suddenly came at 12 PM on the last day when I was about to have lunch with my friends. The effect of medicine I know can differ to each persons, but surely Panadol was not the one for me. I won't recommend it to anyone. Besides, it was believed it can actually affect a lot of other parts of your body.

Mistake number five : Trusting your time, money, effort, and life to Jetstar.

Blinded by the price that's only cheaper 10-20 SGD than another budget airline, I chose Jetstar although it has made me disappointed two times in my life. Since I wanted my time in Jakarta to be longer, I took a 21.40 flight and was supposed to arrive Singapore at 00.25 AM. But it did another delay for 2 hours. It's not really something for a healthy person but not for me that was having a fever. I arrived at 2.30 AM and all I wanted to see was my bed.
Special note : If you in the future still insist on/are influenced to choose Jetstar again, you should be prepared to have few hours delay hence those arriving at night time are not advisable. As for me difference less than $100 SGD to another flight won't make me to choose it anymore. Enough is enough, no gambling anymore.

If you're thinking of saving up some money, actually you're not.

Prices I paid :
- Extra 50% of taxi fares back and forth since both were taken between 12 and 5 AM.
- Those nice foods in Jakarta were wasted because 'nice' is too relative. I didn't have any appetites.
- Wandering around with fever more than ten hours only pocketed with (seemed-to-be-useless) Panadol. My state would be more pathetic if I didn't have friends around. Luckily, I did ^_^.
- Few days of MC, few days of feeling guilty in the sense of irresponsibility.
- Adding extra chemicals in my body. It's terrible. During two months, I feel I've been taking up too many medicines which is really not good.

Calculation wise, it's a great loss. Somehow I can easily forgive myself as I know I learnt the lessons, while from the brighter side, I think my survival skill is up by one level.

Till Death Set You Apart

After the wedding church ceremony, the bride and the groom went outside the church, given a couple of pigeons to set released. Both flied off somewhere but within seconds, one perches at the church open window while another one at power cable few metres away. Some people tried to make them fly far away but all their efforts only succeeded in making the one at the cable flied over to its companion. Since then the people tried to chase away the pigeons from the window many many times but they stood firm as if they're so scared of losing one another. In such wedding occasion, it's kinda sweet.

I always love a happy truth. That's one captured my heart ^_^.

Real and Unreal

"Did you send me message last night? I'm sorry I don't remember whether you really did it or it's just inside my dream since I had such a deep sleep last night."

My friend would wake up in confusion to get this kind of message 4.30 in the morning.

A Wedding Quote

As we agreed to give a trophy for the getting-married friend, this morning I browsed through wedding quotes to get one to write on it. I didn't spend much time before finding one that really touched my heart, much more than those quotes that came after.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. -- by Germaine Greer

There was a korean drama just finished its last episode few weeks ago. In the story, there was this man falling in love with the woman whom he knew deeply in his heart was falling in love with another man yet he lied to his own sense and reassure himself given a lot of logical reasons the woman was not. They were both actually getting married and the woman still stood on her faithfulness to the man who had been her long lost love for six years and she thought of no enough reasons to leave him because he never did anything wrong to her. For what's past is past and present has been so much different, at the day when they're supposed to marry, this man came to his sense that in the past the woman did love him but at the moment of time, the woman didn't anymore and that a marriage is only the beginning and not an ending. With no good foundation to start on, he decided to cancel the marriage.

We might all think that our spouse won't leave us the moment he/she is attached to a marriage. We might find it hard to let go a relationship if they have lasted for many many years despite of fights, quarrels, and so on. The problem is, when there is no enough love to each other, no willingness to change for the sake of a relationship itself, but just proceeding to marry for the reason of time and memories that have been shared together, not many of us ever thought of ten, twenty, many decades, and even the rest of our lives after marriage are going to be spent with someone that we don't really want and love. Are courting time and memories longer and more than that?

A marriage is a beginning, not an end. It could be lots of rocks along the road, there is no guarantee all days will be smooth. But as Germaine Greer said, it's wonderful to find yourself still fall in love with the same person after all the difficulties.

Internet in Excess

It seems to be a conflict that will never end. The more internet brings convenience to people's lives, the more real social lives are at stake. Email, chat messenger, and also social networking sites are undeniable for their efficiency of communication, speed of delivery, capability for reducing direct communication cost. Are we forgetting the price we pay for the convenience?

I've been missing the age where I wrote letters to my sister in Singapore or my aunt in different city. I still remember when the joy of choosing the most beautiful set of letters-envelops to buy was still there and me feeling so proud of learning new technique to fold the letter and when fingers were not so much used to type on keyboard instead and when I used to wait impatiently day by day for the reply that I knew can take few weeks. But nothing really beats happiness the time I finally got it in my hand and couldn't wait to open and read. That is what effort really takes...

Chat messenger is an awesome thing. It can connect all friends from different parts of the world. And also those who are only few foot steps away. I chatted with my friend next to my room and with my colleague whose desk right behind me not because it's expensive to call or difficult to raise a voice, but again because I feel it's convenient. Why?

And for saving up energy, voices, physical interaction, 'personal' touch in relationships has somehow lost. How many friends in social networking sites are really friends in real world? Some are friends' friends. Some never knew or try to bother about each other. But still listed as friend. For what sake? More 'virtual' lives means less time in 'real' lives.

Of course it's advised to get everything in moderation. Living in this modern society, nobody can really do without internet. But before it takes over and abuses my life, I will learn to control my consumption hence I can spend more on real world.

I Can Feel so Irritated..

1. By having the ever strangest mouth mucosa,
2. causing such a pain like a toothache,
3. followed by headache all day long (wrong, it's two days already),
4. with no any single satisfying schedule-price trip from at least five air flights,
5. stupid online booking facility coming from a domestic airline site that rejected both my domestic and international credit cards after wasting my two hours precious time of resting,
6. knowing it's only Morning to have all above....

But I can also feel so thankful
1. For my sprained leg that recovered just at the nice time,
2. For the not delayed work because my boss is willing to do it for me when I was on leave,
3. For fun, care, love, warmth, hugs, stories, and kisses,
4. For the friend that is getting married,
5. For the freedom to browse and chat during work that make time passes faster,
6. For all the pains I can still afford that remind me not to take health for granted

It's not really bad, after all!

Some Updates on June 2010

I just read my friend's blog and realized how long I've been blogging without using 'WE' as a subject in all of my sentences as if 'I' is the only word I am comfortable to begin my story with or I lack of confidence whether the ideas can be really generalized, accepted by most people or perhaps I've been living myself alone (though not lonely :p) that I don't have many stories to tell as a unity of more than a person, or put it simple I feel no rights to say something on behalf of others without asking their permission.

We just came back from a holiday. I just reunited temporarily with a friend that I hadn't met for almost two years, the one I used to live with under the same roof separated by a wall only that I always kicked every time I wanted to call her but to lazy to get my butt off the bed and go to knock her door. Vietnam is much more beautiful that what's seen in the picture. Despite the sudden injured leg before going there, we had a great time in planning and executing :). And when it's over, we just moved on and proceeded with our own lives. Till we all meet again.. And it's not too long for some of us as we're going to attend our friend's wedding.... about two weeks later. Hmm.

As for the broken hearted friend, she just asked me to write down the famous phases those broken hearted would probably go through, ones we long time had invented.
This is for you :
1. Critical phase. It's the first phase. The most critical time is ONLY the first three days. With the sun shining all the world and beautiful flower blossoming and the blue and bright sky, we can only see one image in our sight : our spouse. We will miss him terribly and wonder whether he/she has forgotten about us.
2. Trying-to-survive phase. No message, no calls, no meeting-ups and we are getting used to it. Sometimes the image is still there, but it's not too often anymore. This phase can last for 2-3 weeks.
3. Thinking-that-of-course-I-can-survive phase. We can finally see the warmth of the sun, the beauty of the flowers, and how awesome is the feeling when the we look up to the sky. We're closer to understand that there are many bigger things than our problem is and we're getting nearer to live our lives as per normal. This phase can last months.
4. ...
5. ...
6. ...
.
.
.
10. A-happy-ending-phase. Whether we end up being together with the same person or another person instead, we are in the state of happiness. God works in a mysterious-beautiful way.

So my friend, if you ever wonder what phases come in between, when you've tried the best, re-assure yourself that you will be certainly being in the final state no matter what processes you will pass through, things you may see, and people you are going to meet. Simply, you just need to take your time.

A good day ahead all, nevertheless!

Hmm..

To feed my sudden curiosity, I jumped from my bed, googled out my name to get what the world stores me. It's on the 5th of the list. Of course I won't appreciate it as much as I do now if it's not because the memories created by time. Two years back but it feels like .... yesterday.

Note : Open it with I.E

Chakrasan

I must have really wanted to be able to do it so badly that it came to my sleep last night. My dream becomes more and more freaking day by day.

Must GO!

In the early of a sleepy morning, this giant golden statue of Buddha claimed to be the largest in the world really woke me up. It's located somewhere Thailand, close to Phuket.

Distributive Justice

I keep reminding myself. Because on my good times I never asked "Why me? Why now?", I have no rights whatsoever to ask the questions on my bad times.

It's much easier to just believe, everything that happens, happens for a reason. Whatever it takes..

Shutter Island

I borrowed Shutter Island dvd from my cousin two days ago because I heard very good reviews about the movie from my colleagues. But I didn't even think of watching it after I returned home. Am not sure whether it's a coincidence or not, I had an amazing dream about a psychopath and me being one of the victims asked to do some psycho things on that night. Just like other psychopaths whose identities hidden, I figured out who he actually was, and acted like a professional detective, I exposed all his initial plans. But only a few moments I was so proud of myself, the alarm rang. I woke up in sweat, with some pleasures though. Either I have missed Saw too much or without I realize it, I have had a very high expectation on Shutter Island. Or..... the psycho personality was actually trapped inside me, somewhere.

Who knows? And.. who cares? Let me just watch it now.

Shavasan

What I found out recently : I couldn't keep my mind not to fly to somewhere else.

So on last Friday on Vesak Day, I went to a temple to listen to a Dharma talk. At the end of the talk, we're asked to meditate for a few minutes.

During the school life, I'd known I've a serious problem in focusing on verbal communication. Whatever the lecturer explained about something, I could immediately decide on keeping 'this time I really need to listen' firm promise, but found myself being in somewhere else much more immediate that you could ever imagine. That's why my self learning and studying always involved a lot of visualization instead. For me, the most effective way to get an A grade is by repeating readings and repeating practices to those science subjects. Why did I have to repeat? Because my ability to memorize is just as bad as my concentration on words flying in the air. So on and so forth, I never tried to memorize sentences in the book but invent on ways to translate the same meanings in those sentences into words, not because I liked to create my own trouble, but what seems much easier to some people is way so difficult for me.

During working life, there are no more long hours of a pair of sitting-listening required on daily basis. But the five days in a week, almost 10 hours spent in the office, are like a cycle that never ends. Time is a luxury. And that's when the problem starts to arise : when you think time is so much precious, and because of that, you want to do a lot of things at one time, you want to have the full use of yourself on the light day. What's that for after all?

I went home and threw myself into the bed. I closed and rested my eyes. In a second, my mind began to make some noises. "Open the tv, perhaps some good shows is in the air.", "Turn on the laptop. Play!", "Or eat dinner first?", "What time is it? Soon your day is over and tomorrow is another working day. Utilize it!" The busy world seems so promising. I've forgotten about the art of doing nothing, the significance of resting in peacefulness, and the must to make it as a priority each day. If time is that precious, resting my mind should be on the top of the list to spend.

I'd gone to several places in thousand miles away during my meditation, searched for a way back, returned to another place, and it's been a loop before it's forced to come back when the meditation is over. The journey is short but enough to make me mad at myself, "CAN YOU LISTEN TO ME AND JUST STAY AT YOUR PLACE, please??" I soon torn down my priority list. Re-build. And ready for a big revolution!

How many times should you forgive someone?

Always, one more time.

As much as I know I've been lying to myself and feigned ignorance all this while, it'd take much more a naked eye to see beyond all of that.

It takes a big heart to admit defeat. I think I can forgive myself after that.

A Mother's Love

My friend just delivered a baby girl last week and hence is officially a mother now. As for me (besides an answer to the most anticipated curiosity of mine that tightened two rows of my teeth of whether giving birth is really really scary and painful...), I've come to see a little deeper what motherly love is about.... though I'm still not fully convinced that all the maternal's behaviour relies solely on a sense of responsibility or nature's call.

When she still stayed at the hospital, she always woke up very early in the morning to see her baby. Even she couldn't wait to return home because there were restricted visiting hours there. Now she's at home, not fully recovered, awake almost every night because of the baby, but she also told me, she's very happy to spend 24/7 time with her new love (when you're talking to someone who who has settled down..., not many things really matter and you hardly see lots of desires).

Perhaps the gap between us has been too deep due to the loss of time and space. Whenever I hear the graduation song, it reminded me one more time of past and the imagination of future. How someone you know becomes someone you knew. The process that I've been missing : how she lived her life all the while, courting, betrayal, dark periods, trust, marriage, making adjustment to new environment, first time she got to know she's pregnant, or the struggling in the operation room, of all seem not that important to me as we're not too close actually, but at the same time, I know everyone is equally valuable in this life. She's someone's most precious thing. So are her moments of life.

As everyone is important, everyone also knows he is important. And it can be seen everyday. When help is so much needed and no one is willing to help, the question of 'why don't they just help me?' arises. The same reason why a colleague doesn't not hesitate at all to show her irritating face just because you by chance make her work a bit more difficult, or a very simple everyday's thing why all people rush to be number one up to the bus, or why some friends always find excuses not to meet you because they claim they are busy. Yes, there's nothing wrong about that. Told you, we know we are important and it's our own instinct to love ourselves more than any other persons and we have to maintain our importance in order to survive and to live better.

There were few times in my life that I helped friends at one of their most difficult times. Almost all do not include money matters but only a pair of loyal ears, trying-to-think-hard-for-solutions mind, time, and willingness. Most of the time, I get a thank you. As for the remaining, they offered me the same things I gave to them or gave me a treat or even once a love confession. A very important lesson I have learnt since long time ago, the best time to help someone is when he needs us the most, and the best way to help him is by one that gives him inability to pay the kindness back, of course without spoiling him.

I've been wondering where is the big love of a mother coming from. If not from the movies, I've never really seen such love from a lover to a lover. It's from a mother to child only. My landlord's younger sister passed away in a bus accident trying to protect her daughter and husband. Some of people I know are quite bad enough but their mother still love them so much and cannot get angry of them. Or some parents that are willing to spend the hard earned of money on their children to good education and proper standard of living, I can't think of another better reason but only love, above responsibility or just for the sake of status and pride, for such a huge sacrifice. I'm so much wanting to see when water is thicker than blood.

A freaking engineer is a bad storyteller

A : I'm bored to death. Save me...
B : Ctrl + S?
A : 0.O'
B : How to save you?
A : Tell me a nice story.
B : Hm.. okay. One time, there was a bird. It used to fly off to the south.
A : Then?
B : Then it died.
A : Huh?
B : Yes. It died, in a mysterious death.
A : Some explanations please...
B : It's still in investigation. Have been months, but no one can confirm how exactly it died. Mysterious, right?
A : Yes... yes...
B : I have another one.
A : What is it?
B : A little girl went out and sat on a swing.
A : Then? She died?
B : No. The swing broke. The girl died.
A : CAN YOU STOP KILLING YOUR CHARACTERS?
B : Hey, it's not my fault. It's the swing which broke.
A : .......

How Comfortable is Comfortable?

Feeling comfortable is one of the main reasons I used to hear when two people decide to see each other. But I often wonder : How comfortable is it then you can say it's comfortable? What and where is the line? Even when I go out with my close friend, I still see it awkward when there isn't much conversation between us and there is a lot of silence. That situation made me uncomfortable. Not only that. I couldn't get what's wrong with silence actually and why it could make me feel that way.

First of all, let me brush up my definition for 'comfortable'.

Enjoying a conversation with someone, being able to drop all the formalities, not afraid of showing him your good and your bad, are some ways of how I define 'comfortable.' With these answers, dang dong..., in exam I got A liao lah..

But I really really believe in this as well. When two people can sit together for long hours with not so many words uttered, enjoy the moment of the hectic world in their own solitude parts of mind, without worries that another side will get bored of him/her or question the reasons of his silence, but just feel happy and content only by the presence of another person, and has the confidence that the someone feels the same thing, and if they can choose how long the moment lasts, they will want it to last like forever, they hence have brought the 'comfortable' to a higher level. The most comfortable feeling exists by the most successful communication which would may happen only when two people talk with heart.

An 'A' grade is always good. However today I got a chance to witness the extra mile definition of comfortable which surpasses that particular grade.

In the end, silence did no wrongs at all. Perhaps the only reason is, all the while the words were either misused or over used way too often and too easily till they become habits and attached to oneself. The uncomfortable feeling rises every time one feels left by words and it's the beginning of the question, "Why don't you talk?"